What does it mean to have a crisis of confidence? To me, it means losing touch with my innocence, my natural joy and lightness of being as well as the temporary belief that my life has no value. it's also a feeling of being untethered from my usual comforts and props, otherwise known as the "stuff" I surround and identify myself with. When those props aren't there (I'm in a new environment or with new people), or something happens and I cannot access them (I get sick, in an accident, someone I love leaves or dies or some other major change happens) I can feel pretty lost and unable to find my footing.
I really cannot complain. I put myself into the shifting sands of a life on the road. Yes, I have some of my props, but many of them are gone and many of the sources of validation of my work and my roles in the world have changed. I no longer have the props of having a home surrounded with my possessions. I no longer am defined by my role as a single mom. I no longer am a resident of a specific city filled with familiar places and routines. I'm no longer running a business based on servicing clients in one location.
No, it's all new. What this means, I now realize, is that I can no longer base my confidence on external comforts, props or validation. Instead, I need to move to a deeper level inside of myself, deeper than I ever have before, to reach the core of the REAL, where my Higher Self lives, into the realm of the eternal. My identity in the world is not static. It's always changing and evolving and someday, I will no longer inhabit a physical body.
We are so much more than our identity. By traveling and moving around so much, without the padding of large sums of money to buffer the rougher edges, I'm relinquishing the soft blanket of familiarity that most people take for granted. Instead, I'm learning to adjust to a living without a safety net, moving through the fear that comes up at unexpected moments. This is gracefully forcing me to utilize my spiritual bank account, in which I've been investing and making deposits for decades. Now, I can make withdrawals when I need them in the form of spiritual tools and practices, without which, I would surely be suffering.
My intense work on dealing with fear years ago, is paying off now. It doesn't come calling nearly as much as it used to, and when it does, it 's not disabling. I use some tools and move through it.
Confidence is another story. I am still growing in this area. Perhaps this is due to the fact that so much of what I'm doing and how I'm living is new: living without my sons and our cats, living without a home base, working with a new business mode l(online products and services rather than location-based services), working and doing day-to-day tasks in constantly changing environments, etc. I trust that as the months pass and my business takes off, these feelings of insecurity will pass.
In the meantime, I'm doing my best to cry when I need to cry, to rest when I need to rest and to make a large withdrawal from my spiritual bank account to help me through.