I think it was one too many days of pushing myself, too many discouraging signs and waking up feeling under the weather and a bit defeated. I had a mini meltdown last night over something fairly small, which for me always means I need to stop and regroup. It also means I haven't been taking care of my soul needs.
As I come into the home stretch of finishing my e-book project, I've also been attending Meetups, learning the lay of the land around San Diego, trying to find an affordable place to stay for several weeks, Skyping with my son as he tries to find a job and another place to live, searching for a videographer for help me with some videos and so on. This is not a big list, but it's a list that involves a lot of unknowns and uncertainties which brings up some deep survival feelings. I'll be honest, it takes its toll.
Today, my body said STOP! So I downshifted and then decided to simply cruise through the day at a much lower burn. I nurtured myself with soothing tea, a long walk and sitting in the sunshine at Ocean Beach watching the surfers ride the waves. I took a long afternoon nap (something I haven't done in months), followed by a delicious stir fry dinner made with my favorite veggies and seasoned tofu. Then more tea.
What I didn't do is work or think or concern myself with anything outside of the moment. I needed to just be with no plan, agenda or big picture questions. Yesterday, I was spinning out and making myself crazy. Today, I let everything be exactly as it is with no resistance or judgment or desire for it to be different.
What a relief!
The mind is a terrible place to spend too much time. A great tool, but it can ruin everything if we let it run wild, including our equilibrium. When we're standing on tiptoes reaching for a bigger vision of ourselves, we need to remember to breathe and lighten up about it all. I sometimes remind myself of a moody teenager who cannot see past her own small life and death view of the world. Life doesn't always have to feel like a Shakespearian drama. I guess that's the writer in me. But sometimes I've just gotta stop the whirlwind of ideas moving through my head.
As I get older, I find simplicity SO appealing. The little quiet pleasures warm my heart and make me feel loved. Perhaps that's why birthing a book feels so damn stressful. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the writing part--that is joyful and delicious. It's making it sellable that adds the pressure and high expectations to the process. I don't even mind the editing so much, but it's the contant mulling it over and considering all the different aspects of the project that I find so exhausting!
Every once in a while I long to disappear from the life I'm weaving around myself and not identify with any of it. A few years ago on a trip to Brazil, I took a walk on a deserted beach and imagined what it would be like if I just kept walking...forever. I loved the idea of staying anonymous so that I would be just seen as I am in the moment without my story. It spoke to my need to dip into the freedom of carrying a lighter load...a note to my future self to not be weighed down so much by the stories and details of life. After all, we're just passing through.