Wow! I can hardly believe I've lived without a home base now for nine whole months! It's been a glorious, soul enlivening, heart opening adventure! I can barely contain my excitement over the absolute rush of living on the edge the way I have with no security, no back up plan, no safety net, no contingencies. Just a bold and brave courage that sustains me when I feel as though I might faint or fall or fail. The heights are so dizzying sometimes that I occasionally lose my footing, but I only feel afraid when I look down or when I think too much about what I'm doing. The best remedy for fear is to stay focused on the present as much as possible. Be here. Right now. Don't let the slippery gremlins of self-doubt, second guessing or what ifs to haunt my dreams. For I've found that if I even leave the door open a crack, they will come tearing in and rustle up a hell of a racket, derailing even the deepest sleep.
So far, so good. I'm hanging in there, riding the waves rather than letting them knock me down.
Plus. I've learned SO much in these nine months! About sharing space with others, for example. Do you want to come face to face with your stuff, such as your discomfort with others' messes and noise and ways of doing things? Living with others brings it ALL up to the surface. It's great medicine. It really is. Helps you to see where you still get triggered.
You see, when you play it safe and stay all tucked away into your comfortable little world with the same routine day in and day out, you miss out on some of the gritty messiness of human interaction. Perhaps you think, what a relief! It's only a relief when you don't want to grow and learn and get your hands dirty bumping up against the edges of your comfort zone.
I can honestly tell you, I didn't like it much either, until I realized how much I've grown and evolved since I left the comfort of my 4-bedroom house in Seattle last January. I still remember the shock I felt when I tossed most of my clothes into a HUGE box to give to the Good Will. Clothes I didn't think I could do without. As I've lived in other people's houses, memories have emerged about my kitchen, my belongings, my way of moving through my house: how I liked to live in a uncluttered way, how I turned on my computer stereo every day and let the ambient music fill the house and how I loved dimmer switches and golden ambient light, how I enjoyed lighting candles and incense and putting fresh flowers from the weekly farmer's market in vases throughout the house, how I prefer the way I cleaned my house with non-toxic cleaners and so on.
I would catch myself reminiscing and feeling my heart strings tugging me back to those memories and I would oh so gently have to pull myself into the present, acknowledge the feelings and then let them go so I could move on.
Not easy, friends. Not easy. But what I've gained is SO worth it.
In the past nine months, I've learned more about myself, my relationship with others, my relationship with God and the BIG PICTURE aspects of life than ALL of my years of spiritual study and practices combined. Going out on the thinnest branches and being willing to walk the talk and trust life has reaped me many, many rewards, some of which I cannot even begin to put into words.
Those I can put into words include learning:
- To wait patiently when things don't seem to be working.
- To be tolerant of challenging people and circumstances.
- To trust life to provide and not depend on others.
- Non-resistance and acceptance of what is.
- How to find comfort even when I'm uncomfortable.
- What happens when I don't follow my intuition (I'll write more on that soon).
- That people genuinely want to help and are more generous than I ever realized.
But mostly I've learned that my REAL home is inside of me. It is something I carry with me wherever I go. Life really does take care of us when we move out of fear into a place of trust and see all beings, places and things as sacred. Moving through life this way has allowed me the ultimate freedom as I've learned to rely on our deepest inner resources rather than the external props and concepts of security.
Looking forward to what's next. How about you?