Life is a river that flows continuously forward, around the unknown bends and curves, into the unexpected dips and rises and around the ever-present rocks and branches. The river doesn't complain, it simply moves with fluidity in and around whatever it meets.
I had to remind myself of this recently when I found myself mired in a major state of resistance. Things weren't flowing, and I felt myself having an inner tantrum, questioning and analyzing everything, wondering how things got off track, demanding to know why things didn't seem to be working.
This went on for a few weeks. I just couldn't seem to let go of the resistance. I was too attached to my idea that things should be different. I dug my heels in and held my ground. I complained. I sulked. I got lost in my memories of other "better" situations or fantasies about the future.
In spite of the muddiness, I showed up. I made an effort. I did my best to move in any direction.
But the frustration had a grip on me, weighting down my every step. Finally though, after days of waking up with a feeling of dread, something shifted. It was too much...so finally, I let go. Finally, I dropped my big ball of resistance. Finally, with a huge sigh of surrender and resignation, I put the whole burden of it down.
It was that simple.
Slowly, and almost imperceptibly, the tethers loosened and things began to feel spacious again. I started to feel lighter. The energy flowed like warm water back into my heart chakra, softening me. I began to flow with the river instead of against it.
Nothing changed in the world around me, but it felt less oppressive and foreign. I relaxed into just being where I was and from there life felt more buoyant and easier to navigate. It no longer felt as though I was wading through obstacles and turning onto dead end streets.
What was this experience about? I wondered. At first glance, it appeared to be about not resisting what is, but there was something much deeper happening under the surface. The resistance was pointing to something. The angst and suffering that I experienced was about a potent metamorphosis that was happening within. I was undergoing (and still am) an inner revolution. Huge chunks of beliefs, concepts and attitudes are breaking away from their mooring and flushing themselves out. A need for some major changes are tugging at my soul. I can no longer move through my life the way that I have in the past. This year of nomadic living has been preparing and transitioning me for a completely new way of being, free of my story and free of my old way of seeing and doing. Being a nomad was never just about accumulating experiences or meeting people or learning to live unencumbered. Those are wonderful gifts I've received along the way, but the real purpose of living this way has been mostly about unlearning and releasing those things that I'd accumulated over the years of family and societal programming and discovering who I am without all of that.
This current chapter is now appears to be about shedding even my story as a nomad and taking stock of where I am right now in my life. I'm asking important questions. Do I still want to live this way and if so, how might I want to do it differently? Is it time to stop for awhile and take a break from so much movement? Is the current internal upheaval about wanting space and privacy or is it about wanting my own space again? Is there something else I need and/or want to be doing?
The answers will come, but more importantly, I needed to stop resisting and be still long enough to know what the right questions were. Once I did that, I was flooded with new ideas and inspiration. Prior to that I'd felt a deadness and a dryness with no real motivation to do much of anything. Life felt flat and meaningless for the past few weeks. Now I see why. I was moving but not consciously with presence. I wasn't choosing what I was doing, I was passively allowing life to carry me forward.
Now I see the resistance was a simply a messenger telling me something needed to shift so that I could open up to new possibilities. So as things continue to churn and roll within, lots of clarity is bubbling to the surface offering me a glimpse into choices which may require a different way of living or working or showing up. Nothing is clear yet. I am, however, receiving inner guidance to move forward on some ideas that have been on the back burner for a little while. This is exciting and a bit scary. But now that I have the clarity, I dare not say no.
The word revolution has the word evolution in it. In order to evolve, I suppose sometimes we need to revolt or engage in a revolution. If we don't initiate it, life will conspire to bring it about, usually with an outer experience that stirs us into action.
It will be interesting to see what's next. I know it won't resemble what's been. In fact, I'm hoping it's so different, it will break the mold of all of my previous experiences.