There are changes afoot in my life right now--BIG changes. After two years and eight months of living and working as a nomad, and over a year spent house sitting on the west coast, circumstances, mood, energy and intuition are conspiring to present me with new options, new choices and new directions. Oddly enough, the details are still quite fuzzy. I have a sense of what I'd like to occur, but I'm never sure if my preferences will hold or something better will come in to sweep me into its arms.
All I can really do is accept what is as it is. Not knowing is a familiar place. It keeps me focused on the present. Being a nomad has taught me how difficult it is to plan, especially since I'm fully aligned with following my heart, whereas planning usually begins in the mind. My heart is telling me to be still, appreciate what's right in front of me because very soon, my life will look and feel nothing like it does now.
How often do we get the luxury of that kind of head's up?
Not often enough. It's tough when life broadsides us without any notice, forcing us to let to before we feel ready. Thankfully, in my current situation, that's not the case. Instead, I've been getting lots of little nudges lately. For example, I know I've overstayed my welcome when--as in the movie Inception--"the dream" (aka my situation) begins to turn on me. What was once idyllic, innocent and in the flow becomes chaotic, rough and out of the flow. Things stop working or at least they don't work as well as they once did. Or like the Cinderella story, the coach and horses turn into pumpkins at midnight. Certain circumstances have an expiration date, and it's best if we yield to them.
Back to not knowing. When an intuition first comes through, it can come through as just a sense or a feeling, rather than a clear, concise message. While this can be frustrating, it's all part of the non-linear language of the heart and soul. Pushing for clarity never works. Rushing a decision can backfire and waste huge amounts of time.
Better to trust and keep listening.
I've learned that the hard way. I like to micro-manage, control and plan things full on. I like to know what to expect. I like feeling safe. Ha! Life doesn't work that way, especially an intuitive-driven life. I typically don't know where I'm going to sleep in the next week or the next month. Or if I'm going to have enough money to pay for food or gas or shampoo. It kind of blows my mind that I've done this as long as I have without any real improvement in the certainty or security factor. In fact, if anything, my actual circumstances are no more secure than they were when I first started living nomadically. I'm completely in the hands of the Divine. Almost three years laters, I still have no magic bullets, back-up plan or way out.
Today, in this moment, I have a beautiful, comfortable roof over my head, delicious organic food in the fridge, gas in my gas tank and shampoo to wash my hair. I also have my health and my freedom. This is more than the majority of the population on the Earth have; it is more than the homeless men and women living in the park outside my door have; it is more than people in prisons and hospitals have. In other words, I'm blessed and have A LOT to be grateful for.
Perspective is everything.
Sure, I'm sometimes sad when I'm in peoples' homes and realize I no longer have a place to host family gatherings or store the memories and keepsakes of my children. Sometimes the stress of moving around so much strains my patience and tolerance to the outer edges of my capacity. Other times, I long to just rest and be. But then I remember there are people working 40 - 60 hours (or longer) per week to keep a roof over their head (something I hope I never have to do). That's a different kind of stress, but it's stress all the same.
This is why everything's still fuzzy. Returning to my old way of life is not possible nor is it even desirable. Continuing to live the way I'm living is wearing thin, plus, I'm ready for a change. Those are only the two extremes. What opportunities live in between? How can I satisfy my longing to make a change that is new, fresh, restorative, inspiring and soul affirming?
This is the mystery I'm stepping into now.
Rather than try to script it out or design it, I'm staying open and waiting for more to be revealed. Life knows what in my heart; it reads my longing for change. Now it's a matter of the timing being right for clarity to appear and action to follow.
Joy and blessings to all of you who are sitting in the midst of a transition with more questions than answers. You are not alone! xoxo