Phrases like “speak your truth” and stand in your power” are tossed around casually these days among people who have spent a significant time in the domain of personal growth. But what do they really mean? I see them both as indicators of an authentic life, which means, to quote Shakespeare “To thine own self be true”. To put it simply, to speak your truth and stand in your power means you are living a life that is primarily inner directed and follows the beat of your own heart rather than outer directed and focused on what other people think is best for you.

An outer directed life is a hyper-vigilant life requiring us to walk on eggshells and censor many of our feelings, thoughts and needs for fear of being ridiculed or worse, rejected. It’s a life of self-management, which puts a heavy damper on spontaneity and genuine self-expression. If we’re always wondering and worrying what others think, how can we relax and enjoy our experiences?

Conformity feels safe and gives us the sense that we belong, but taken to its extreme comes at a great cost to our connection to ourselves. The symptoms include boredom, depression, despair, loneliness, etc. Too much of an outer directed life can make us feel like the victims of a harsh and cruel world. The problem is that we’ve given the world too much say and therefore, too much power in our lives. Constantly adhering to the pressures and expectations of others is draining and requires us to measure up to impossible standards, meaning we will always fall short.

The expression, “in the world, but not of it”, speaks to a more balanced way of creating an inner directed life, which allows you to engage with the world, but not be run over by it. You can start by taking baby steps and setting up some boundaries around your life. First, reduce the number of people in your life whom you allow to vote on your decisions. Soliciting advice is fine, but putting out a full ballot that gives people carte blanche to run your life doesn’t work. Surround yourself with people who are interested in supporting you in the direction you want to go. Reduce your contact with those who are frequently second guessing or challenging your decisions.

Second, make time to check in with yourself and really listen to and honor your own needs. This involves spending time every day getting quiet. Try starting each day asking yourself, “What do I want today?” Most of us rarely even acknowledge, let alone honor our wants and needs. We are too busy reacting and letting the world run over us.

Third, learn to say no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes. Self-betrayal comes in many forms, but the simplest is not saying what we mean or meaning what we say. Simply practicing saying what is without soft pedaling it too much, will open up an entirely new way of relating to the world. This is not to say, we should run around being blunt or mean, but just inching closer to what we really want to say will make a tremendous difference in the quality of our relationships.

Finally, one of the most profound gifts we can give to ourselves and our relationships is to slow down and really listen to the people in our lives. They are struggling with the same issues and will benefit greatly by your willingness to tune into that. Also, by giving yourself permission to honor your needs and speak your truth, you in essence are modeling that behavior and giving them permission to do the same.

We all want the same thing: to be seen, heard and appreciated for who we really are. Give that to yourself; give that to others; and watch the boundaries between giving and receiving disappear.