The Call to Shift
I don't know about you, but my life has been turned upside down lately. All of the old ways of doing things have come up for scrutiny--patterns of behavior, ways of thinking, habits, lifestyle choices, ways of working, ways of showing up in relationships and for myself...and so on. No stone seems to be unturned. It's as if I've awakened from a dream and all the old veils have been torn down. Of course, there have been hints and clues all along pointing to the ways in which my life was out of balance or not working or supporting my highest joy. Now, however (blame it on the planets), it's been all laid bare and I can no longer hide from the truth that's right in front of me.
Fortunately, in this process of identifying the gaps, holes, leaks and weaknesses in my own life, and recognizing that something's gotta shift, I've also been gifted with visions of what will replace these outworn structures. It's time to build anew. To replace the rotting old wood with something fresh and new.
Failure and failed expectations are great catalysts. it's pretty difficult to lie to yourself when the evidence is right in front of you, and that no matter how much you try to prop something up--a relationship, a job, a living situation--that's not meant to be, it doesn't work. Even if you can get away with it for a while longer, you know in your heart, you have to let go.
I'm right there.
Luckily, since I'm owning and accepting the failures and disappointments fully, I'm not being forced to change too quickly. I'm being invited to transition, to wean myself from the old tried and true ways because while they served me for a time, that time has passed and they have to go.
It's difficult not to be attached to doing things the way we've always done them, but when your soul is crying out for something new, it is not only foolish, but painful to keep holding on. In my case, I have been telling myself for years that eventually things will shift on their own, that I can keep showing up the way I always have and a breakthrough will happen. I like my way of doing things. It's comfortable and familiar, like an old friend. But the old way is not feeding me or stretching me. They're not energizing me nor serving the Highest Good. So it as to go. The fresh, bright light of Truth has illuminated it, my intuition is reminding me about it daily and everywhere I turn I keep bumping into it.
Alas, I know that sometimes the path to joy can be painful. Letting go hurts. I'll reminisce. I'll cry. I'll have periods of remorse and wonder if I've made a mistake and want to turn back. But as in other times of major Life-induced shifts, Life will hold me, my Muse will hold me, the Angels will hold me and I will cross that Threshold to the other side. Then I won't even remember why I had so much trouble shifting. I'll be kissing the ground with gratitude that i did it.
I know I'm not giving any details here. I apologize for that. it makes it difficult to identify with someone when they don't give you any personal examples. Any of you reading this know I'm a private person and I hold lots of details of my life close to my heart. I'm camera shy...always have been. This era of exposing all via social media and selfies hasn't been easy for me. This is one of the aspects of my life that I'm being called to shift.
This period of cocooning has been necessary but it's quickly coming to a close. Lately, I've faced many demons and much heartache both within and outside of myself. I've done lots of exploring and digging around in my past, holding my decisions and choices up for examination and healing. The pain has knocked me to my knees several times, but the clarity I've extracted from these sessions has been worth the scorching primal ache that's been ripping open my heart.
Words (God bless them) have been my salvation and my rock during this deconstruction (since I don't drink or take pharmaceuticals, writing, meditation, healthy food, good friends and walks in nature are all I have to navigate through the pain). In spite of having written thousands and thousands of pages, my creative work as a writer has not even begun. All of this was preparation for what is to come. To do the real work, I'll need to access the raw and the vulnerable, the universal stories inside of my own journey and give birth to their bleeding beauty on the page. I've been dancing around this for years, waiting until I was ripe enough and had the character to hold these stories. Soon they will be seasoned enough and will drop onto the page, opening softly with sweet, delicious juice dripping everywhere.
In the meantime, I'm taking baby steps to answer the call to shift my writing, my work, my relationships and mostly my way of being in the world. As many artists and prophets have shared over the centuries, if what don't use what is given us, it will kill us. Creativity and destruction have the same potent energy behind them and essentially can be expressed either way. Creativity is the positive channel that brings forth art and beauty. Destruction is a negative channel that removes art and beauty and wipes out whatever it can.
Things will evolve from here. I'm hoping that this sharing bits and pieces of my own metamorphosis will touch someone who may be in the midst of this process, and that these words will offer some hope.