Minding Our Own Business

“There’s only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.”
~ Aldous Huxley

It is one of the greatest presumptions and violations of another to think that you know what’s best for him or her. Many years ago, a good friend of mine scolded me in the middle of a tirade about my desire to change someone, telling me that none of us can ever really know what another person needs.

This stopped me cold, and when I considered it, it made perfect sense. Yet, it is so easy to project our values and beliefs and preferences onto another. We assume that because it’s good for us, it must be good for others. However, when you go deeper, you see that the people in your life are not that simple, not by a long shot.

Think about it. How receptive are they when you impose your will onto them? Not very. No one likes advice, unless it is solicited. Unfortunately, the impulse to throw advice at someone in trouble, comes up and is difficult to resist. We only want to be helpful, we claim. Perhaps. But I think we also like agreement and validation that our way is the right way.

Then there is the uncharted territory that lies in the depths of the subconscious. This is our forbidden zone, invisible even to us most of the time, and yet powerful in its impact on our lives. It’s not a place for meddling or to push into uninvited. Yet so many self-help gurus, ignorant or at least, disrespectful of this sacred hot spot, do exactly that. They push people too fast, churning up old wounds, tearing down precious structures, and leaving massive fallout in their wake, offering no clue how to put the pieces back together.

What it comes down to is this: trusting the process of our path, as well as the path of others, no matter how much stumbling and suffering accompanies it. Who are we to rob someone else of their lessons? It only delays the inevitable, perhaps even makes it worse when one finally encounters it.

There is so much of life that we cannot see or know. It’s part of the great mystery. It’s too vast and large to grasp the methods and workings in its entirety. Instead, we must settle for our small viewpoint of the whole. Therefore, it behooves us to reign in our tendencies to want others to confirm to our will for them.

Let them be.

Let them have their experiences.

Let them learn by doing.

Not easy, I know, especially if you’re a parent. Stepping out of the way and allowing our children to stumble and fall, helps them learn how to walk, and find their balance and strength. Overdoing for others, only cripples them and restricts their ability to move and grow. It makes them dependent and weak. No parent wants that. However, most of us naturally want to relieve the suffering and heartache of those we love.

A delicate balance, to say the least. In the end, I’ve found that giving people enough space to move, but also letting them know you believe in them works pretty well. We all want support, but no one can live our lives for us. Nor would we want them to. Occasionally, when we can’t walk, we may need someone to carry us for awhile. But eventually, we need to stand on our own two feet. Then down the road, someone may need us to carry them for awhile. It’s part of the interdependence we all need to survive.

In the meantime, though, let us stay our of each other’s way a bit, so there’s more room to move for all of us.