Secrets

In 12-Step programs, it is commonly understood that “our secrets make us sick”. The reason behind this is clear: when we hold something deep inside of us, in the dark corners of our psyche, it begins to fester and rot because it never sees the light of day. This inner secret chamber—where we keep those stories, feelings and parts of ourselves that we don’t share hidden—has a ripple effect on the rest of our being. As the walls of that chamber touch our bodies, it can affect our health; as it touches our emotions, it can trigger negative emotions such as fear and anger; as it touches our intellect, it can influence our thoughts and beliefs, and eventually our behaviors.

We simply cannot sweep things under the rug or bury them in a deep dark hole. Secrets have a mysterious way of making their way to the surface, sneaking there like a thief in the night until they are exposed or discovered at just the right moment, wreaking havoc with everyone in their path. Secrets have brought down families, communities, churches, businesses and governments. They seem to have mind of their own and they won’t be silenced.

When it comes to our closest relationships, secrets do a particularly insidious type of damage. Intimacy and dishonesty simply cannot co-exist. As long as there is something to hide, there will be a wall up around all that cannot be spoken. Once there is a lie or a secret, there have to be more layers of lies and secrets added to protect that original secret from being detected. What this creates are layers and layers of lies, which in turn, becomes a wall surrounding someone that is so thick and impenetrable, it wouldn’t even be worth the effort needed to scale it or break it down or blow it up. You certainly could give it a shot, but better to move on, unless you have the rare talent to get your friend, family member or partner to trust you enough to come out from behind the fortress of lies and expose the untruths. This can be an astonishing experience to witness, if you’re so fortunate—a breakthrough for you and the relationship. But it’s far better not to go into the relationship expecting to change or fix the other. All you can do is hope your friend, family member or partner is invested enough in the relationship to take a risk and become vulnerable, and trust that you will handle any honesty with loving care.

Not everyone does.

Secrets are protective mechanisms that seemingly keep us from getting hurt or rejected or feeling unloved. But they ultimately backfire and create the very pain they were trying to avoid. In addition, secrets add pain to pain because there is also guilt associated with them, both in keeping and revealing them.

Some people believe that it’s better not to tell the whole truth to another. In some cases, too much information is not appropriate, but in our closest relationships, dishonesty will erode the foundation faster than anything else. If trust is the fundamental building block of a healthy relationship, then secrets are the demolition ball that can tear the whole thing down.

Of course you can always lead by example. Even if the people in your life are reluctant to be open and honest with you, you can demonstrate the healing benefits of deep and vulnerable sharing by doing it yourself. Pace yourself and test the waters to see what response you receive. If you find the other person is supportive and isn’t highly critical of you or blaming and shaming you for these disclosures, then by all means, open up and clear those secrets and hidden parts of yourself out of the closet. Open up the doors and windows and let in the light of truth! Over time, this will reveal that healing (and real intimacy, for that matter) is a direct result of honest and vulnerable communication.

The bottom line is this: without trust, there can be no intimacy and trust comes from establishing a context of safety around the relationship. Sure, there will be missteps and errors, but as long as you move into this deeper area of healing with respect and love, you should be able to find a rhythm and pace to your communication.