Two Fears That Impact Our Intimate Relationships

There are two major fears can come into play in our intimate relationships. One is the fear of being abandoned. The other is the fear of losing oneself. These two fears are somewhat related. They often play off of each other, creating conflicts within a relationship. 

Several things can happen:

• We compromise and change ourselves to attempt to please and hold onto a partner (to avoid being abandoned), sometimes to the point of feeling as though we're walking on eggshells and betraying ourselves.

• We hold ourselves back from a partner because we don't want to get hurt and/or we don't want to lose our individuality. 

• We avoid getting involved with anyone because we are afraid of abandonment and/or of losing ourselves. 

In intimate relationships, there is a tension between our individuality/independence and intimacy/dependence. Finding a good balance between the two makes for a healthy relationship, but that often means dealing with the tension as well as the fears as they come up. Most of these fears are connected to childhood wounds and arise in the context of a relationship for healing. The trick is not to run away when the wounds get triggered, but rather work through them together so they can heal. 

Many of us get stuck and confused in the middle of the dance between leaning into a relationship and leaning away from it. Then there is the dance our partner is doing. When we lean in, they lean away and vice versa. Sometimes you’re both leaning in; other times you’re both leaning away. 

We’re human and the dance is part of life. We’re ever evolving and changing; sometimes we want togetherness and sometimes solitude. Finding the balance can be tricky because you have to coordinate it with another person, whose needs may be different at any given moment than your own. 

On the negative side, pushing in and pulling away can be done in a manipulative way that becomes more of a game than a dance. It usually involves someone wanting control and trying to establish the upper hand in the relationship. Why? Because of fear of pain.

People play games because they are doing what they can to prevent getting hurt.

Think back on previous relationships to see if you ever deliberately withheld your time, attention, affection or sex to send a message or to control a situation or partner. Be kind to yourself when looking back. You did what you thought you needed to do. But from this vantage point, look at how your fears made you behave differently than you might have really wanted to behave with your partner.

The other fear is associated with giving up our individuality. Many of us are afraid of drowning in a relationship and losing our inner voice. Face it, this happens a lot, especially in a new relationship when people are getting to know each other and the stakes are high.

A healthy approach to this would be to simply move into a relationship knowing that you need to reserve equal amounts of time for yourself and equal amounts of time for your relationship. Each feeds the other. 

With too much alone time, you get filled up and with no one to share it with; you begin to stagnate because there is nowhere for the energy to go.

With too much together time, you get depleted because through sharing you empty out. 

Alone time allows you to restore and rejuvenate yourself and fill up with new experiences.

Togetherness gives you each a chance to share your journey together.

There’s an ebb and flow to each and it’s important to tune into that ebb and flow, otherwise, tension and conflict will arise.

Fear of any kind is not a good advisor and one shouldn’t make decisions based on fear because the result is always less than what it could be. Sure, you might feel relief from pain or safe and comfortable, but you have also blocked the passion, joy and excitement that comes with an alive, dynamic and engaged relationship.

Protecting yourself from whatever caused you pain in the past will only work for so long. Ultimately, we need to muster up the courage to dive back into the ocean swells and swim again or we will forever be stuck onshore.