Loving Boundaries

When it comes to relationships, healthy boundaries are not only important, but also absolutely necessary if one wants that relationship to be sustainable. Unfortunately, most of us were not taught how to set any boundaries, let alone loving ones. Instead, many of us learned the hard way, through trial and error, with lots of missteps and blunders along the way, leaving us pretty damned confused when things go wrong.

Our response to this pain?

We put up walls for protection and vow to not be so open or get too close next time. While this is a great temporary, and even necessary fix, it's not a great place to reside for the long haul. Over time, as these walls can get rigid and fixed in place, we may get in the habit of hiding behind them. Then what was supposed to help us actually imprisons us and cuts us off from getting close to anyone. Yes, we may be pain-free, but we're also missing out on the joy and fun of being in a loving relationship. 

So, how do we transform our walls of protection into bridges of connection? 

At first glance one might say by being vulnerable, but depending upon the dynamic of the relationship, this can be risky and it can also backfire if done at the wrong time or with the wrong person. Better to take a step back and keep it simple by using straightforward, honest communication. You can still add a touch of vulnerability by using the words, “I feel…” In fact, speaking from “I” statements works wonders for diffusing conflict and removing walls. 

Here are some other clues about walls and bridges:

• Blame creates walls; taking responsibility builds bridges.

• Criticism creates walls; expressing what you need builds bridges.

• Controlling creates walls; flexibility builds bridges.

• Dishonesty creates walls; honesty builds bridges.

• Fear creates walls; trust builds bridges.

• Clinging creates walls; space builds bridges.

Loosening our grip and relaxing into a place of ease and trust with another allows for the river of love to flow unimpeded. Giving each other space is necessary so that each of you has time to tune in with your inner voice, your directional signal, so to speak. Tuning in to oneself is just as important as tuning into another. Reading signals, no matter how subtle they are, can enhance communication a hundredfold. Following those signals to where they lead, even more so.

So much of the expression of love between two people depends on the ability to attune yourself to both your authentic needs as well as the other person’s needs.

Setting good boundaries for yourself sometimes pushes people’s buttons, but you can respond to this by being a good example of someone who listens and treats oneself and others in a sacred way (love + respect). Eventually, the people around you will see that you are thriving because you set healthy boundaries and are willing to love yourself.

A strong, warm wave of peace washes over those who know how to balance love of self with love of others, and it shows. They’re a pleasure to be around because they feel grounded, peaceful and comfortable in their own skin.

What does a good boundary look like?

It’s clear, specific and is designed to fulfill a need. For most of us, the problem isn’t setting boundaries it’s honoring them. This means is that once you’ve established a loving boundary around yourself or your time, you don’t override it, ignore it or let people take advantage of you. No one takes you seriously when you don’t honor your own boundaries.

The best place to start is with you. Then when the rest of the world notices that you respect yourself, they’ll learn to respect you as well.