Communication Tips for Conscious Relationships
Photo by Nathan Dumlao
If communication is the lifeblood of all of our relationships, then why are we so bad at it? The famous line from the classic movie, Cool Hand Luke, comes to mind, “What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.”
Most, if not all, of our problems in life stem from this failure.
Poor communication is a barrier to intimacy and ultimately to love. The word communication comes from the Latin root comunnicare , which means "to share, divide out; communicate, impart, inform; join, unite, participate in”. Looking deeper into this word and how it flows into the arena of intimate relationships we might say then that the goal of communication is to bring two partners closer together, help them relate and help them understand each other.
Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Then, why do we fail so miserably in this area of our relationships? It starts with the fact that none of us were taught how to communicate, let alone relate to a lifelong partner. We mess up because we’re mostly unconscious of our behaviors, many of which are habitual, learned and honed through years of watching our parents and the other adults in our lives.
Modeling was the primary way we learned how to act and react to the people in our lives. What is needed first is to bring the light of awareness to those habitual behaviors and then replace them consciously with healthy behaviors that work.
Communication is not just what we say with words. It’s encompassed in all of our actions, our body language, the things we withhold, how present we are in our lives, our personality traits, tone of voice and so on. We send messages all the time—signals that are received by other people in our lives, sometimes without our knowing it. Becoming present and observing ourselves as we communicate, begins to bring awareness to ways in which we may be sending signals that are not what we intend.
No matter how deeply connected you want to be with a partner, good communication is part of the glue that makes the relationship stick for a while or for a lifetime. True communication happens when two people rise above the need to be right, and instead, are more interested in moving toward peace and harmony. To clarify this a bit more, here’s a short list of communication guidelines that will create more intimacy, not only with your partner, but in all of your relationships:
Listen more than talk
Acknowledge and validate what is being said
Be present
Let go of your agenda
Don’t give advice unless asked
Speak from your experience
Ask questions
Share resources that have worked for you
Be brief and to the point
Allow for space and silence between the words
Breathe
Don’t get caught in the details; look for the bigger picture
Stay away from gossip and judgment of others
End the conversation on a high note
Remember that everyone wants the same thing: to be loved
Some other tips include making eye contact, touching someone on the arm or shoulder and using receptive body language and gestures. Cultural differences will also influence the best approach in these areas as each culture interprets non-verbal signals differently. Regardless, it is important to use culturally appropriate gestures to stay connected, and when in a new culture, to learn those gestures.
Our world needs healing, and healthy communication is a great place to start.